Deep in my heart I’ll always believe in a chance. A chance that something will always be possible. And with that comes my unwavering persistence to extract that .01% to come forth and not give up till then. I put so much time and bring down myself and those around me because I refuse to give up. It’s hard to keep myself in check with my “reality”, because I always will pursue something even if I know for sure it’s just not going to work. Because deep down inside, my heart believes that nothing is impossible. I’ve always believed I can do anything, but that doesn’t mean I can do everything.

I kept believing the risk would be taken. I know I refused to admit it to myself. It was excruciatingly painful; More so than I thought it would be to me. But at least now I know that it just won’t work out. I’m sorry I wasted your time, as well as mine. I was an idiot.

1. You’re the one girl I’ve still always thought about now and then. I really do think something amazing could have happened, but it sucks how we had a lack of proximity between us. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, and I really do quite miss you so.

2. Sometimes, you make it hard for me to care when you constantly go on about your life. I mean I really do care to listen, but at times I wonder if you’ll ever ask me how I’m feeling.

3. I don’t know if you were told this, but of all the girls that have liked me, you are the only one that I would have prioritized over myself. I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand your impact on my life.

4. As of late, you sort of give me that feeling like you’re my best friend. And you really do fill that spot really. But it’s not possible because I’m still cautious whenever I’m with you.

5. Everyone tells me so much crap about you, and every time I look at you, I can’t help but wonder if it’s really true. I’ve seen the signs that it may be true, and it really does kill me to know that.

6. I hope you’re having a great life and that everything is going well for you. We don’t talk anymore, but you’ll always hold that place in my heart as the one person who changed my life for the better. It was a great honor to have you in my life. I do wonder if you think about me now.

7. It’s been about 7-8 years now. Ever since leaving my elementary and moving into a new district, I’ve only seen you once. I still remember how you look, and I’ve always kept searching for you though like facebook/myspace/skype and stuff. I still dream about the day I’ll see you again. The day I’ll see my first crush again.

8. I’ve never had a friend like you. We have more ups and downs in our relationship then I do in like all of my other friends combined! But I’ll be damned, you’re the one who has always stuck by me through thick and thin. And I know that I’ve said it so many times, but you’re my true hero. We still have to watch the sunrise together one day. I hope you still remember that.

9. You look like my ideal girl. But you use make-up. I don’t think I work well with insecure girls shaha.

10. If only every one hugged like you!

11. When are you going to tell me? I’ve been waiting for a while. I know more than you think, so you can stop hiding now and just come out with me. As time goes by, I’m just getting more let down that you’re waiting so long to tell me.

12. You’re my favorite person to talk to online you damn wannabee ninja. I’m so excited for tomorrow when I finally get to see you again. Even though it may only be for about 15 minutes, I’m so glad we finally get to talk again. I’ve been missing out on our friendship.

13. I’d be really attracted to you if you didn’t show cleavage.

14. I’ll never forget that one time we were sitting in class taking a test, and we were in the back of the class, then it smelled like crap. I know it was you that farted. It’s been about 5 years now. I’m still waiting for that “excuse me”. Cuz dude that sht was rank.

15. I laud at how you always ask me about what kind of girl I really like to be around. You just don’t understand my hints! Sometimes I just want to say “go look in the mirror!” Man you’re too cute that it drives me insane.

16. I hate that you lead me on and gave me a false hope. But I knew what I was getting myself into with my usual high expectations and leaps of faith. No excuses.

So apparently, it’s the one day that everyone shows thanks for what he/she has right? But first and foremost, I don’t want to advocate that I DO NOT dislike Thanksgiving in general; I just personally have no real need for this day. It’s a simple reason really:

Because I’m always thankful and show gratitude for my life and all I’m lucky to have. I have friends, I have shelter, I have clothes, I have a normal working body with no innate disabilities, and I have myself. How is that not something to be grateful for on a DAILY basis?

And basically that’s pretty much it. It’s just a formal day for everyone else to finally think about what they are thankful for. When in reality, every day should be a thanksgiving in your heart. It’s something I’ve always done. Every day I wake up, I think of someone to thank in my life. Whether they did something good or bad. It just helps jumpstart my day. You should try it sometime. Spend a couple of minutes thanking someone in your life (it may even be just some random person you saw once in your life).

Oh and finally, I find it very ironic how today every one shows thanks for what they have, then the very next day a vast majority of people are all like “OH SHIT BLACK FRIDAY SPLURGE SPLURGE I WANT THIS I WANT THAT OH DAMN SALE!!!!”. Talk about irony yea?

And so as of late I’m now pretty much back on track with my life. Ironic, because I always pun that along with going to track practice, which I haven’t been able to go to lately. It really is changing in me that I had to pick b/w ballet class and track class (since they both interfered with each other) and that I made the decision to drop track. I was pretty stunned afterwords that I dropped the one passion I had most. But the reason for it was rather something that meant a lot to me: A new change. I want to try something new. I might discover a new side in me that’ll come from this.

Living without the need to ask for more really helps me move forward. Knowing I’m blessed with this wonderful functioning body, that’s all I really require to keep happy alongside a positive mind. It’s destructive to me when I ask for more. I’m always focusing on my goals and move accordingly to achieve them. And lately I realize all I’ve been thinking about is how amazing my life is. The simplicity of being with people that matter. The effect of helping and playing with little kids. Seeing childhood books I used to read. I’m just really being exposed to everything that’s really always been there that I failed to see.

I plan to go ball at the park later. This is going to be the final test to see if my life is back. To feel that wind. I know my ankle is still in a way not fully recovered. I can’t make sharp turns, but I’m going to test myself again. I’m finally back to just living out my life aiming to have fun and improve myself for the better. I’m tired of wanting. I’m trying to keep it at a minimum. I have all I need. And I’m finally able to say that I’m starting to show my old Mr. Sunshine again.


Ok I sort of lied. I do still want something… to be with Ms. Sunshine (‘: Since I have always believed that we really can be something that’ll shine brightly. And I trust that no matter what she makes, it’ll be for the best.

Although a giggly side of me still gets excited over the thought of her saying yes teehee

I'm tired of these superficial people

I could say “I promise I won’t hurt you”, “I’ll always be there for you”, “Well I’m different from all the rest”, “Well you can trust me that I won’t be like them”, or any of those stupid sayings that people say.

But I don’t. I don’t make promises. I don’t make those strong accusations. Because I believe that simply People who say that kind of stuff are people who are scared to believe in themselves. Either that or they just aren’t risk takers that I like to be around.

Many people now a days always promise in given scenarios. People bind themselves to that worded contract, putting like a sign of guilt over themselves if said promised event does not come through. I think that’s unnecessary to do. I don’t make promises because I believe in my own word. If I say I’ll do something, then I will. To me, this is how you truly build trust. If you constantly abide by your own word, there becomes no doubt of yourself. This is how it should normally be. The moment I hear someone say “promise”, it makes me believe that that person is craven that he/she will not be able to pull through for me. But I guess that’s because there aren’t many people like me who hold him/herself in high regard.

And I also have a huge disdain for people who say “I won’t hurt you”, or “I’m different from the rest”. That is such complete bullshit. This isn’t some fairytale folks. This is reality. You WILL hurt the other person. You WILL let him/her down. But the least you can say is that you’ll do your best to hold it to a minimum.

When things are opposite of how things are supposed to be despite it’s original composition and designation and destiny and fate and life and love and no one knows what’s going on because this is a long run on sentence but you can’t stop reading until i put the period. But why does that stop you from reading? Obviously you can skip words, skip lines, skip pararaphs, skip time, skip it. You don’t even know how much power you have over the text laid before you. And your eyes take it for granted. Tomorrow you won’t understand why you did that in the first place except you begin to think about why you did that in the first place and why I keep on rambling about the most random things and why the fuck you are reading this in the first place. But then you can’t stop because you don’t know what I am going to do next. maybe i’ll start a sentence in with lowercase letter. Fragment. And sometimes a conjunction and a misspelling. and you catch every single mistake. i congratulate you on your endevours. but in the end you know that when you reach the bottom of this blog you will realize that nothing is relevent but you realize that everything that is relevent seems to make no sense until you read this. Open your mind to the letters the words the symbols and the lack on punctuation that lets you freely move from point A to point B. but in the end, you are my slave. Your eyes only go from one word to the next. can you synthesize each word you read and create your own? no. you cannot. simply a fact that you can’t avoid. you are mine. but what does that mean? a freckle on the face of the earth and a blemish in the expanses of the universe. and as you realize that I can make up words and make up sounds and noise and thoughts in your head, you can’t comprehend the mass of this bulk of this acceleration of this string constant. I ramble. But you are interested in what I have to say, right? Bull shit. Just leave this piece of shit be. It is nothing more than words symbols elements of style and I hate having to painstakingly type out every single character until I believe you are done with this torturous adventure. And your eyes become tired as mine are. Your body is weary as mine. We are one. But only seperated by a screen only seperated by the words the syllables and consonants that create each and every sentence. And as i think about stopping i think about continuing and i become so lazy that you notice…I have forgotten to capitalize some i’s in my blog. and now i have come to a conclusion that you should stop now. as i have wasted 3 mins and 41 seconds of your life. and i am not sorry for a single thing i have done thus far. and the last thing i want you to know that you should never study while sitting next to a sleeping girl. and there is a knock on the door and the sound vehemently engrosses the halls of your brain that it shakes the foundations of your spine and trembles to the tip of your toes. there is nothing you can do. you shoud have stopped earlier.

At times I think about killing myself. All because of you. You and your put downs. You and your fucking comments and ridicules. That I just have to sit here and fucking listen to you nag and nag and nag until my fucking ears bleed out. It’s because of you I I’m so damn miserable. Because of you I fucking have no desire to move on. I will never have contact with you again. I’m certain of it. You and your fucking boyfriend can do whatever shit you want. I’ll never let you be a part of my life. You already ruined your own pathetic life, and practically mine. You and him are the only people I fucking HATE

I’ve been sitting back quietly lately. That is, quietly watching the world with my eyes booming loud, and my ears open. Drifting from my very own sense of existence and satisfaction, I generally once again didn’t know what to do about it. There was no one I truly felt comfortable talking to about it. So I figured, if I have no one to talk to, I’ll just listen. But not to a person. To the world. I wanted to see what it could tell me. What Society could tell me. And so with my eyes and my ears I sat back and slowly began to see what was around me.

It was not a site I enjoyed.

There’s lots of anger, frustration, hatred, ill feelings in this world. I would know; I have them. There’s lots of violence in the world. I never really firsthand saw it. There’s so many deaths going around, revolving. I wonder how those people felt right before they passed away. We’ll all die someday. When it comes it can’t be helped. Until then I think it’s just best to carry on living out the best of your life as possible. Although I know that’s extremely ironic, because I’ve been on and off just staring into space trying to deny to myself that it’s just a phase. It’s not a phase. I’m allowing myself to succumb into it.

I’m not aiming to change the world. I’m aiming to change someone’s world. Hence I aim to be a PE teacher and track coach. I want to influence kids to believe in themselves. To believe that they are able to succeed. To push kids to be happy with themselves. I want to do what was done to me. I was always unsure. I was always skeptical. I was always a nonbeliever. But rugby changed me. The one phrase that lifted and twisted the clouds away from my skies.

“I believe in you” It was the first time I’ve ever heard that. The first time someone trusted me. Putting me as the last line of defense. To put the team’s safety at my responsibility. Sort of like a goalie of rugby. I’ll always remember my first game. Our line was broken. A guy was running toward our goal zone the other side of the field away. I ran after him. We ran half the field length. I was tired. I didn’t feel like I could keep going. And my coach was on the sideline with the rest of the team who weren’t playing. Yelling for me to get him. But the only thing that reached my ears were those words.

“I believe in you”

I refused to give in. I would not let this guy get away from me. 15 meters left. 10 meters left. He throws up a victory sign and turns back smiling. And then he went down with me. I don’t know where I am. I feel lost. But there’s one thing I do know that happened; I tackled him. I ran all that way and pulled through for my team. For my coach. For myself. It was then halftime. Coach Rogers brought us all together, and yanked at my collar. I wondering why he was tugging at me. And then I heard him say “THIS IS WHAT YOU GUYS LACK. YOU GUYS LACK HEART. THIS IS WHAT I CALL HUSTLE!” And then it was the most painful slap on the back I’ve had in my life. My brown sweat filled jersey just ricocheted off my skin. But I was happy.

I don’t know what I want right now. I’m distant from the people I am always with. I’m lost in my own thoughts lately. I notice I’m eager to talk to those I do not really know that well. Those that don’t really matter to me as much. Those that I feel will not hurt me if I lose them.. I’m realizing that my trust is slowly falling away more and more. I know there’s people who will be there for me. Yet I’m still unsatisfied for some reason. There’s a select few I want to talk to. A select few I want to open up to. But I’m not. And I’m not entirely sure why. I’m a stubborn person. It’s a horrible trait I’ve built up. I’m always wanting to be right. There have been so many arguments where I threw away my beliefs just to be right. Even if it was something I didn’t care about. I am a person who just has a hard time losing and being wrong. I’ve said things that have made me more of an asshole just so that I could be right. I’m still an insecure and weak person. And with that being said, I think that’s why I’m now distancing myself from others. It’s such a pathetic excuse as feeling like I belong in place.

To a certain reader, there are some things that stuck around to me after being with you last night. I really am scared in a way. I kept getting the context that those traits you find stupid were just subtle ways of telling me what’s bad about me. Or that you saw hints of that in me. It’s a great feeling to seek that ‘dating’ stage where sparks tend to fly. That stage known as the “chase” I’ve always known that’s when I’m happiest other than when I’m on the track. But after hearing you talk about it yesterday, I just now am at a loss to myself. That maybe I really am just hurting every one else around me. And the thought lingered around that “I think I already ruined all chances of this friendship from becoming more, or even lasting as a friendship itself”

Reading over my old blogs makes me think about how much I’ve changed. Going from being Mr. Sunshine to now Mr. Cloudy days. I just want happiness. But I’m being stopped from something. I just want to be in an environment where all is happy. To be in a place where there’s no hate or need to impress. To be in a place where there’s no turmoil. To be in a place where the only jet fighters and airplane bombers are made out of 8.5X11 inch college ruled paper. Where weapons of mass destruction are replaced by tight bear hug instructions. Where every time you give a smile it’s passed on to someone else. Because you see so many people a day, and look at them, thinking you’ll probably never see that person again, so you just walk by. And I came to a realization that, since you’ll never see that person again, why not give him/her a smile? At least you’re putting some sort of positive attitude to a person’s life. Maybe I’ll get back to how I was. But for now, I’m still just trying to create myself to be able to deal with myself.

While sitting at home today eating my Lucky charms cereal, I got a call from Terry around 2:30. I pick up and then I hear something like “she’s down!” To which all I can think is “jay sean?” Terry said “Julie is down for today!” To which I realized Terry was talking about the blind date she was setting up with me! I was like “oh! Cool! Today right?” The answer to which Terry told me was “yes” Excited and tingly, I put my spoon of lucky charms down and proceeded to ask her when it was. The response “Now” I just sat there thinking “NOW?! LIKE NOW NOW!?” To which Terry said “yeah! You have to pick her up!” I was just thinking oh damn! How fun. Terry got back to me saying to actually pick her up in about an hour, and gave me her address. So I’m excited and stoked to meet her now. Terry described Julie as a girl that stays fit, is cute, talkative, and fun. That’s a pretty sweet catch! So then I drive to her house, and wait a bit then finally see her. At first glance she seemed kind of tall, almost my height, or maybe even more! Terry was right, she is cute after all. So then I drove us to nickel nickel and along the way had interesting conversations about each other. Nickel nickel was fun. We started off with air hockey, which I won two times with. The second game was close. She beat me at panic park twice..I couldn’t believe it! Played time crisis and that was fun. Raced on the motorcycle simulator, and I just barely won by 3 seconds! EEEEesssh go Kawasaki ninja! Won at free throws, and had a blast playing the jump rope game! Finished up playing whack a mole, and got 6 tickets out of it. I went to get one grape tootsie roll, but the guy gave me 2! So we shared one each shaha.
Then we went to Barnes and Noble for an hour finding Waldo, and reading up on old books. We sat down and read Where The Wild Things Are together! Man I love that book. We made plans to go see the midnight premiere! We spent like half an hour in the music/DVD section. I introduced her to Owl City! Yseeee. We were looking at random movies, and I had a blast putting the Jonas Brothers, Hannah Montana, Mean chicks DVDs into the horror section. I’m so clever. We then just walked around Bella Terra for a long time. I went into the chocolate store again! It smelllsssssssssssss soooooooooooo gooooooooooooooooot. Damn sensory adaption caused me to stop smelling it eventually…. I was drooling looking at all the chocolate! The truffle pieces cost 2.25! So damn expensive. I got a dark cappuchino one though and shared it with Julie. It was mouthwatering.. the chocolate was so rich and the capuchino felt like it was freshly made, and the texture was so fluffy, in contrast to the thick chocolate truffle outside. It was an orgasm in my tongue. Walking out, Julie wanted more, and we went back to buy a mint oreo bark! Man it was goooott. We took a long time to finish it though!
Then spontaneously she asked me if it’s true if all guys smack each other’s penis’s. OK NOW THAT WAS JUST AN AWKWARD CONVERSATION! I know I’m homo at times, but I don’t go around grabbing other guy’s penis’s! She thought it’s what us guys do in the locker rooms! Walking around butt naked grabbing each other’s penis’s and touching each other’s sacks and letting them dangle around. She told me that’s what her friends tell her they do! And that they’re completely straight and ok with it! NOW THAT’S JUST WRONG! INVASION OF PRIVACY PLZ.
We then went into the core of bella terra and watched this singer sing songs for a long time. He’s really good! Danny Mackie as I recall. I requested weezer- Island in the sun. He sings so nicely. There was this little kid running around over and over. Eventually I chased after him shortly and tickled him. Then we had a gun battle! We made finger guns and shot at each other! He won more times though.. He used the spidy slingshot type of thing! He shot 2 fingers at me with his wrist aimed at me! Dang sharpshooter! After listening for a while, I gave a piggy back ride to Julie back to my car. We had a meaningful talk on the way back to her house. It was the first time I told her such deep thoughts I had to someone in person. It was a subtle pleasant change. We learned some rather interesting aspects about each other. I can’t believe I started to blush when she told me how I’m a cute guy that’s not full of himself! That’s so different! I gave her a hug and told her I had a blast being able to meet her. And I asked her if I parked in front of the right house, and she laughed and said yes, then asked if I would like to walk her to her house. Now how can I refuse that!? We walked across to her house, and I gave her a final hug again. Eddie told me to go for a cheek peck, but since she’s never had a boyfriend before.. I chose not to shaha. This blind date turned out to be fantastic! I don’t even feel like going on another one now, because I got a feeling (ugh I hate that song) that she’s going to be someone I’m going to be interested in for a long while!

The one person I'm scared of most

There’s no one more in the world that I’m scared of more than myself. All this hate, anger, contempt, bitter dark emotion lying in my head. I want to explode. I want to let loose all of this built up fury. I scare myself so much with all the negative and dangerous thoughts that I think about. These anxieties that keep me thinking about.. death. These constant bouts of ill intent.

I think I do need psychological help at times. I scare myself at times so much. Tonight is another one of those nights I want to cry. One of those nights I just feel so alone in this world. All of the crap I’ve been through in my life is starting to catch up and trying to escape this locked up asylum in my head. It pounds and pounds against my tongue, wanting to be told. But I’m too scared. There’s no one I feel comfortable enough to trust to let in about those dark secrets of my life.

I hate this so much. These bouts of anger and depression. I am a victim. I’m not just some victim of random societal errors. I’m a victim of early child abuse. I’m scared my mind is going to break some day in the future. All this suffering behind the lines is deteriorating at my health. I’m the person who can put on a happy face and temporarily distract myself for a while. Of course there are those times where I’ll just look sad, but not really think anything of it. It would just be another phase.

But today was just not that day. I had a lot more than the physical pain from track. There was just nothing I felt right with. I now realize how much an abusive childhood really can play a role in your life as you start to age. It’s starting to drive me insane.

I’m starting to break down. I’m having those strong negative thoughts about my life again. I just want to let go. I want to cry. FML